The Simple Importance of Please and Thank You
I love pototates straight from the garden so much (what can I say, it’s the Peruvian in me) we planted two beds of them this year. One bed the potatoes are a plenty the other, you kind of have to dig to China to get to them.
Kale was assisting me with this quest for a pot of mashed gold so I directed him to the less prolific bed to tucker him out so he’ll get to sleep early buying me more time to get cracking on my sausage dog sweater knitting project.
Oh yes. There is a method to my parenting.
It took us a while to find even a potato. And then Kale came up with the idea of asking Mother Earth for one (you can’t make this cow manure up!) and out popped a beauty. A teeny tiny beauty mind you and Kale said: “Awwww…aren’t potatoes cute?”.
And I said “Yes, and that’s why your new nickname is now Little Potato”.
And then he said “How about Little Potato Peach?”
Gawd I can seriously eat him sometimes.
And so we continued with his little prayer. We would ask “pretty please with Sucanat™ on top?” and voila ~ pomme de terre out of thin air!
And each time Little Potato Peach would say so sweetly it just made me want to consume him in one giant mouthful; “Thank you.”
Please and thank you are a the simplest way to invite rhythm to our children’s lives
We touch upon manners in the Rhythm module of my Simplicity Parenting Workshop series:
In the flow of the day’s words, noises, shouts and various utterances, this polite exchange stands out for children like a nursery rhyme, secure and familiar. It is also a code. In its regularity, politeness affirms and reaffirms our connection; the way we treat each other. ~ Kim John Payne
I love that.
Luckily we are naturally a very heavy handed please and thank you saying type family (we’re Canadian, after all) and it’s true that after being exposed to this beautiful dance of request and acknowledgement a forgotten please can be pulled out with the simple raise of a bushy eyebrow (it also doubles as my ‘hairy eyeball’ in restaurants when trying to capture a server’s attention) but more than usual it warrants a ‘what’s the magic word?”.
And this most basic sound byte of manners reminds us of our intent with simplifying our parenting
Out of all places, in a marketing book I was reading, Attracting Perfect Customers (because I’m trying to attract YOU. You like?) it stated something along the same vein but totally different:
Most of us were taught as children that saying “please” and “thank you” was a sign of having good manners. These words are much more than that. They help us keep focus on we desire. One helps to make a request; the other acknowledges our request has been answered.
This resonates with the essence of what Simplicity Parenting is to me; tapping into and rediscovering your deepest held wishes for your children and the world they will grow in to.
Keeping focus on on what we desire; our values passed on.
Acknowledge our request has been answered; gratitude.
Practicing this dance of what may appear like niceties and blind obedience making to some is actually the simplest way to offer, as Payne describes as “a deep sense of safety’ and ‘base beat of predictability”.
Stir that up with the concept of these utterances serving as a reminder of focusing on our values and gratitude for what we receive; what a wonderful world filled of endless pots of mashed potatoes, comfort in the predictability of the growing season and appreciation for even the littlest of nuggets of joy we are introducing our little potato peaches to.
Thank you for reading; share your thoughts on p’s and q’s and kids in the comments. Pretty please?
We have always been complimented on our children’s manners and while it’s great to hear, it also saddens me that it is such a surprise. Also important to pass along to the kiddos is the respect of other people in a public place. Monitoring our voice levels and personal space is a value that I wish more parents would “teach” their children.
What a great post, Kathy! I am pretty bummed that we could not get together this time… and it sounds like we are continuing down south… We seriously considered staying in Winlaw for the winter if a great housesit would have fallen on our lap… Next year maybe!
I use the raised eyebrow too, or I say “maybeee” until I get a “oh, yes, please, plesae, affinimy please” (infinity please, in Frank-speak). It also helps me to really focus on my own uses of the words as I have come to realise I use “my love” or “darling” or something else but then forget the please!
I loved this post, and yes, your son is indeed edible. Happy mashing!
I loved this post. I have always felt so strongly that please and thank you are so much more important that just good manners. Now I have the words to articulate why. Thank you
Saying please and thank you come naturally for me, so my children have always followed suit. I constantly get comments about how polite they are, and while that pleases me, it saddens me that it surprises people.
This was a thought provoking start to the day for me. I’ve read Alfie Kohn’s ‘Unconditional Parenting’ with great interest but as (presumably) intended it made me question much about what I hold true, particularly in terns of manners and pleases and thankyous. I do think that paying attention to the way we grown ups respect each other and our children is key in inculcating the imitation that we hope to engender in our littles and this extends to the kind of respect and symbolism held in ‘please’ and ‘thankyou’. I’ve long felt that there is in fact something generous, more than ‘conditional’ in this dance (as you so beautifully put it) of desire and reverence – I strongly feel that respect and reverence are a natural and normal consequence of a balanced situation, rather than a ‘condition’. …Happily, one way or the other, I am now beginning to see the pleases and thankyous happening naturally (most of the time!) in my four year old. I’m really interested now to read Kim John Payne’s book in comparison to Alfie Kohn’s – I’m hoping it will help me situate my parenting position in this veritable sea of opinion and emotion!
THANK YOU for a great post reflecting on something I too feel is important. I am very mindful myself of saying please and thank you, and my eyebrows do funny things too when there is a missing gesture
THANK YOU for a great post reflecting on something I too feel is important. I am very mindful myself of saying please and thank you, and my eyebrows do funny things too when there is a missing gesture of mindfulness in my children’s communication. When please and thank you come naturally out of our babe’s mouths, it is a heart bursting feeling for me. I feel like they get it. And the way we have gently approached this by mostly modeling, and very subtle nudging leads me to believe it is more authentic- they add that bit than automatic- something they just say because they are supposed to. I will add that I completely cringe when their grandmother(for example, really anyone who says it) says “What do you say???” allll theeee tiiiime. It makes my skin crawly.
Please
thankyou Do not forget about—– I am sorry,excuse me, good morning….
little words that mean so much. Teach your children to be kind to one another.
Thanks Kathy, for blogging!